In almost all of my encounters with friends, I leave feeling awkward, questioning whether I said too much or not enough. Does connection have to be so blatant? I have never thrived in having lots of friendships or even a couple of true friendships however feeling connection is something that I never lack. Social norms and expectations seem to dilute the magic of real interconnectedness that I experience in all the smallness of everyday living. As I walk through my empty home, seeing the static look of snow falling in February and hearing the wind chimes sing as they bounce in the breeze outside, I feel surrounded by warmth and a sense of wholeness with the unseen energy field that I am certain surrounds me. I’ve never been a fan of fantasy novels or mythical stories, but if I were to describe how I experience the world, this seems the most fitting. Reflecting on even the smallest exchanges, a simple smile, the casual conversation with the dad sitting next to me at my son’s practice, more often than not gets framed in my head as ethereal. A seemingly subtle eye contact with an acquaintance or a stranger feels deeper than just happenstance. There is a magnetism that reverberates in my soul for hours or even days sometimes.
I have a new love for building fires. I look forward to trudging out in the cold air to dig through the wood pile in search of the best logs and puzzling them together in a way that ensures I will be able to light the pile with only one match. I can still hear my dad’s infectious laugh when I shared with him how excited I was that I got a fire lit with only two matches. Who is this person? I can say that this isn’t the first season of my life that I have built fires to warm my home. It very well might simply be the draw I am having to an old experience that empowered me when I was younger and an experience that certainly defined a connection that is carved deep in my being that I am certain will echo through many lifetimes. And this is the exact echo that I experience with these subtle encounters. It seems as though these small touches are deep connections to past lives. In fact, I am certain they are; small gifts sent from those we’ve loved through seemingly strangers, but yet not. Perhaps they are foreshadowing future connections or mending old wounds but what I am certain they are not is without meaning or consequence.